Pruning

John 15 is my leaving passage.
Whenever I hear of it, I am brought back to the room at Morningstar and asking myself "what are my "GOOD" idols-- the things that need to be removed in order to develop a true understanding of trust.
We left.
It's hard.
But, it's good, too.
 
We were told to wait and sit still.
For one year.

I'm only 3 months in.
I'm not really good at waiting.

One year is a long time-- except when you have a newborn.
But when are anticipating what and when and how and why and who and wow, a year feels like forever.

John 15.
I'm brought back to that room where Jim took the giant pruning shears and snipped 90% of the grape vine off.  He was left with a little stick.  That's all.
I feel like the little piece of stick today.

And about that vinedresser...
I trust him.
I know it is good.
But, it's hard.
The ridicule and the judgement, the misunderstanding, the whispers, the silent treatment.
Why, oh Lord is this hard?
If we are truly seeking the will of God in this, wouldn't one desire good gifts and a sense of MORE for your kids?  Instead of wondering what is wrong with me, can't we celebrate that His Kids are wanting more of HIM?

Identity is a stinker.
If you don't know who your Father is, you will be unfulfilled in your identity.
Who is my Father?
What does he require of me?

And about those grapes...
Only the one year old canes bear fruit in the 2nd year.... is that the year of favor?
If 90% of the vine must be pruned, that feels like an awful lot.
What does my fruit look like?
How will we know?

At the core, it is about love.
Love is all we need.
Love is meant to be given away.
What is this love?

The pruning is the process that proclaims the favor of the Lord in his time.

One year.
I can do this.
Because the fruit is worth it.

Heal my Unbelief

I stood up without thinking and myfeet carried me to the front.
Surrounded by others with strength not my own.
Hand open.
Heart waiting.
Pressing in to hear the more.
Arms outstretched now, I wait.
And there is the more.
It comes in a great flood.
It overwhelms me from the inside out.
I fall to my knees.
Unable to carry myself.
The weight of unbelief released.
As if in the pangs of childbirth and coughing incessantly
I can no longer hold on to the control
I let it go and it rushes out in streams and in shakes.
Covered by others.
Blanketed in yellow.
Bowing in great submission I let it go
And I don't want it back.

New Season.

Fall brings about change.  The air is smelling different, the leaves are coloured, I started sneezing again...
It also is a time of renewal.
I had a memory of my wedding vows this week.  I remember telling my husband that I would "encourage him to develop the gifts God had given him".  He promised the same to me.
But, I am so removed that I don't even know what those gifts are.
I have been so busy doing church, that I have forgotten how to BE in church.
Abide.
That's the message for today.
So, here I go.... off to discover what my gifts are, what God is saying to me, and why I'm being moved away from my comfort zone.

On leaving

On leaving and saying goodbye.

I'm terrible at goodbye. I prefer a "take care" or a "see you later".
But when we are being called out or drawn out, it's different..
I don't know the plan.
I don't know the purpose.
I don't have the answers.
I just know I need to rest.
Rest in the assurance that I am comfortable in the arms of my Lord when everything else comfortable is being removed from me.
Taken out of my comfort zone into the unknown.
I'm so glad my Jesus was willing to sacrifice even when I find it hard.
I will sit.  At his feet.  Waiting for him to determine the crossroads.
Left or right into the great unknown.
Wanting more of my Jesus.
Desiring more of his presence.
Finding it hard to explain the unexplainable.
Remind me not to get up too soon, Jesus.