Heal my Unbelief

I stood up without thinking and myfeet carried me to the front.
Surrounded by others with strength not my own.
Hand open.
Heart waiting.
Pressing in to hear the more.
Arms outstretched now, I wait.
And there is the more.
It comes in a great flood.
It overwhelms me from the inside out.
I fall to my knees.
Unable to carry myself.
The weight of unbelief released.
As if in the pangs of childbirth and coughing incessantly
I can no longer hold on to the control
I let it go and it rushes out in streams and in shakes.
Covered by others.
Blanketed in yellow.
Bowing in great submission I let it go
And I don't want it back.

New Season.

Fall brings about change.  The air is smelling different, the leaves are coloured, I started sneezing again...
It also is a time of renewal.
I had a memory of my wedding vows this week.  I remember telling my husband that I would "encourage him to develop the gifts God had given him".  He promised the same to me.
But, I am so removed that I don't even know what those gifts are.
I have been so busy doing church, that I have forgotten how to BE in church.
Abide.
That's the message for today.
So, here I go.... off to discover what my gifts are, what God is saying to me, and why I'm being moved away from my comfort zone.

On leaving

On leaving and saying goodbye.

I'm terrible at goodbye. I prefer a "take care" or a "see you later".
But when we are being called out or drawn out, it's different..
I don't know the plan.
I don't know the purpose.
I don't have the answers.
I just know I need to rest.
Rest in the assurance that I am comfortable in the arms of my Lord when everything else comfortable is being removed from me.
Taken out of my comfort zone into the unknown.
I'm so glad my Jesus was willing to sacrifice even when I find it hard.
I will sit.  At his feet.  Waiting for him to determine the crossroads.
Left or right into the great unknown.
Wanting more of my Jesus.
Desiring more of his presence.
Finding it hard to explain the unexplainable.
Remind me not to get up too soon, Jesus.

A note to E's teacher

I work almost full time.
Kids are involved in extra curricular things.
There are birthday parties and Youth groups.
We have houseguests.  A lot.
So, I have to write notes to my kid's teachers that look like this:

Hi Teacher,

We are renovating. 

Our house is upside down.  

Things are in piles.  

The piles are everywhere.  

BUT,

I found E's September reading calendar.

And,

It is filled out to about the 15th of September.

But,

We read almost every day (except Thursdays and Fridays when we don't get home until 6:30).

And,

I found one library book.

But,

I don't know which home reading books she brought home

And,

I'll keep looking.

Karen

I hope she finds it amusing.  

I'm just finding it a bit much right now.

Teenager. Part 1 (of 3).

After several years of working with adolescent students, I thought it would be a piece of cake when my kids finally crossed the threshold into the teen years.  I gotta say, I'm having growing pains.  No amount of professional experience can prepare you for life with your teenager.  It is completely different than working with kids on a daily basis, because they are walking, living, breathing, crying, raging, loving, emotional, crazy, laughing, cozy, sleeping-in pieces of you .

I'm feeling a little sorry for my oldest right now.  She's the guinea pig.  She's breaking us in.  By the time the third turns 13, we'll be too tired to fight.

We've had the "I don't know why I'm crying and I just can't stop" moments in the kitchen.  We've experienced the "how many times do we have to say goodnight to you and why are you still up it's 10:30 on a school night" days.  We've fought the "you should have a shower you're getting a little greasy and your gym strip stinks" afternoons.  And, we've begun the "can I just talk to you for a minute about something important" conversations.

My girl is lovely.  She is soft-hearted.  She is kind.  She is a beauty.

She is a puppy whose paws are just too big for her clumsy body ("don't knock over that... glass of milk!").  

She is innocent.  She is thoughtful.  She is responsible.  

She is self-centered, in a normal-kind-of way.  

Her room is a disaster.  

She is connected to her ipod.
Friends are becoming important than me.  

She sort of cares, but really doesn't mind if she's fashionable or not.  

Her blue eyes are mesmerizing.  

People say she looks like me (but I just don't see it).  

She is easily overwhelmed.  She mutters under her breath when she doesn't want to do something.  

She often clobbers her sisters.  

And, I love her to bits.  

I need to remind myself that she is a teenager.  I was one once.  I'm sure I was unpleasant to live with.  I remember having crying spells and temper tantrums.  I know this is just another stage.  

But, at the end of it, I want her to know that her momma loves her.  That our relationship is intact.  That she can come to me with problems or her latest "crush" and ask me questions when we're lying on my bed.

At least, I hope, that by the third girl, I may have learned a thing or two.
Love you, Annie.
mom

Sleep Apnea

Apparently it's genetic.

I just know that the last 15 years, I've been sleeping with a snorer.

This has changed my life:

It attaches to this:

And peaceful dreams ensue.

We have 2 of these machines in our house.

They keep 2 people alive. At night and every time they are asleep, they stop breathing at least once a minute. Their heart rates race, their oxygen levels decline, they snore to wake up and are drowsy or cranky.  They snack uncontrollably as the hormone, cortisol, is stimulated by carbohydrate-based foods, then they gain weight, which perpetuates the problem.  

At this point there is no cure.  

But, I believe there will be one day.  

Until then, I sleep with Darth Vader and kiss the "fighter-jet pilot" good-night.

Buh-bye mini van

It breaks my heart.  Well, kinda.
My mini van is gone.
Gone are the sliding doors.  Gone are the flip down seats, the milk stains, the memories of driving to California and back...

Say hello to my new-to-me SUV.  A rugged, 8 passenger, 2003 Toyota Sequoia.  It's a truck disguised as a family hauler.  The gas mileage is well, not as great as our van, but fine just the same.

We haul around 5-8 people on most trips and with all the extra stuff and the fact that our kids are just getting bigger, we needed to make the change.  Mike was unpleasant on our last camping holiday.  The drive home stressed him out as we attempted to drag our entire camping life and two extra adults down a rough logging road.  But, as we pondered it, we realized that things just were not working for us anymore.  

I don't believe in coincidence. 

I believe in God.

This is where I realize that God cares about me a lot.  He even cares about the car I drive.  He orchestrated this sequence of events in a way that honors him.  

Last year, a co-worker of mine lost her husband. They were selling a truck like the one I was looking for, but had no idea that it was her family.  I "happened" to answer her craigslist ad.  I "happened" to ask her the next day if she was selling a truck.  When the answer was "yes", I just knew it was the one for us. The price was right, we knew the vehicle history, and it was even the colour we wanted.  

Then, my friend P called me.  They "happened" to be looking for a van to replace theirs.  And, they gave their well-loved, "comes with no promises" minivan to my dear friend who was needing a new vehicle.  

You see, my friends needed a new car.  They had been asking God for something, and had just tithed in faith the week before all this vehicle switching went down.  She just "happened" to be here that weekend.  We just "happened" to find the right truck for our family, P "happened" to be looking for a van like ours...  too many coincidences "happened" at the right time to just confirm the fact that God loves his kids.  He gives us more than we can EVER ask for or imagine.  

What would have happened if P hadn't acted in obedience and on the prompting of the Holy Spirit?  

What if K hadn't tithed that week?  

What if I hadn't responded to that ad?  

Would God have done all this any way?? 

I like to think that God really loves his kids and wants the best for them in all circumstances.  

I like to think that God blesses those who earnestly seek his face.  

I like to think that a generous God shows us how to be generous people. 

I am blessed to know that my friend P knows her Father in heaven.  

I am glad to be a part of a story where my God could be honored.  

I'm also glad that the new-to-me truck fits in my garage.